Planet of the Apes

Director: Tim Burton

Starring: Mark Whalberg, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Clarke Duncan, Tim Roth, Estella Warren, Paul Giamatti

Genre: Action, Dumb.

Year: 2001

Running Time: more than 5 minutes, which was long enough.

Plot synopsis: Mark Whalberg’s monkey flies into a black hole, sending him to a random time in the universe. Because he loves his monkey so much, Mr. Whalberg flies into the same black hole, luckily ending up in the exact same place and time period as his monkey. However, as he finds out that monkeys are actually ruling the place he has ended up on, he struggles through the personal anguish of leading an uprising of humans against the monkeys he loves so much, trying to create a peace treaty, or flying back into the unpredictable black hole in hopes that it will take him back to his home.

Review: Absolutely atrocious. Meaning you could sit and watch it for days, and never get tired of it. The writing is so bad that it hurts…as in, your sides hurt from laughter. One of the few movies I’ve ever seen in the theatre where the audience started laughing during the dramatic moments. Helena Bonham Carter is wasted, as her usual quirky and yet still heartfelt performance is masked under layers upon layers of fake-looking makeup. The plot has so many holes that I cannot even begin to describe them. But here is one example: as they try to lead the monkeys into a trap on horseback, they wait until the last possible second to flee. It is at this moment, of course, that the cliche young boy says that he ‘can fight too!’ Now, not only do they not fill him in right then and there that fighting is not actually their plan, but they flee, leaving him there. When Mr. Whalberg realizes this, he goes back for the kid. But without his horse. I guess he can go faster that way? He gets the kid, and then outruns the monkeys…who also have horses. And yes, because I know you’re wondering, the two leads do fall for each other. And yes, the two leads are a human and a monkey.

Watch for:

• the number of times Mark Whalberg says, ‘How did these monkeys get like this.’
• the humans watching the monkeys survive a nuclear explosion, but then beating them with sticks.
• Tim Roth obviously misreading his script and thinking his character was to be played as a rabid Tom Cruise…if Tom Cruise were a monkey…and had rabies.
• Estella Warren managing to still turn in one of the worst acting performances in history, even with only two lines.
• and Paul Giamatti somehow getting away with selling the monkey children pharmaceuticals.

Film or Movie: hehe Movie.

Popcorn Factor: Not on purpose, but yes. Oh yes.

Buy It: Oh please no.

Rent It: Definite candidate for a bad movie marathon.

‘That’s very effective, Tony. Not too subtle, but effective.’
Karl.

(There it is. Tom Cruise with rabies.)

(And because I just can’t seem to help myself.)