The Social Network

Director: David Fincher

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Justin Timberlake, Andrew Garfield

Genre: biopic, thriller?

Year: 2010

Running Time: exactly 2 hours.

Plot synopsis: A kid makes a website so that he can be CEO of it and make his girlfriend love him again, while some other kids try to steal the website, another kid sues him for not being his best friend anymore, and Justin Timberlake tries to be Tyler Durden.

Review: My hopes were so high for this movie. I had read all the rave reviews, and I really like David Fincher. And liking David Fincher is the only reason I can now see for the rave reviews. (Or maybe because it’s a movie about the latest marketing strategy that no one seems to fully understand yet, so folks don’t want to get left behind?) It’s almost as if he can do no wrong in the critics’ eyes. And honestly, I almost got sucked into that, too…and then I stopped for a second about 20 minutes into the movie and went, ‘Wait a second…this sucks!’

The story of how Facebook came to be is an interesting one. “Huh. I didn’t know a couple guys claimed they had the idea first, and I guess some of the inventor guy’s friends stopped liking him when the site was getting popular.” That’s it. That’s the interest level of this movie. I wish I could have read it as a piece of trivia on a 2015 daily calendar when Facebook is a Myspace ghost town. Then I would have been spared the atrocious acting (I mean, I know college kids are dumb, but if they were their own race, they’d have sued this movie), the worst screen-writing ever (‘I’m 6’5, 220 pounds, and there’s two of me’), and most of all…and I mean most of all…Andrew Garfield’s Golden Globe-nominated performance in which he alternates every scene between drawing inspiration from the kid who played the head flying elf on The Santa Clause, and a child on the verge of tears in K-mart because their big brother stole their lollipop…or in this case, their social network. (Oh, see what I did there? Yep.)

On the good side, David Fincher’s moody direction does not disappoint. Except that in a gutless screenplay such as this one, the moodiness starts to seem like desperation rather than style. Also, Jesse Eisenberg plays his role very well. Unlike…well…everyone else. And maybe I’m just jealous that I don’t have a Golden Globe. But still…do you need a Golden Globe to recognize dramatized drivel? But ya, if I’m completely honest with myself, I still would’ve loved to have been in this movie. I still would’ve thought it sucked, and all the moreso for me being in it, but at least I would’ve had, you know, money to help cheer me up. 😉

Watch for:

• The number of scenes in which Andrew Garfield almost cries.
• Jesse Eisenberg making the lines sound witty and true to character, and all the other actors trying so very hard to make each line ‘epic.’
• Justin Timberlake getting so excited at the prospect of working with David Fincher, that he obviously went out and bought Fight Club…for some reason thinking that the Napster guy should be portrayed like a ’90’s boy band version of Brad Pitt. He should not.
• Douglas Urbanski, a producer, basically handing it acting-wise to every other actor in the movie.
• And these lines. For this very special movie, we’re going to create a very special quotes section. This is just amazing. Ladies and gentleman, the Golden Globe-winning movie for best screenplay:

-You think you know me, don’t you?
-I’ve read enough.
-You know how much I’ve read about you?
-Nothing…

–Mark!
-He’s wired in.
-I’m sorry?
-He’s wired in.
(smashes computer) -What about now? Are you wired in now?

-This is gonna be like I’m not a part of Facebook.
-It won’t be like you’re not a part of Facebook. You’re not a part of Facebook.
-My name’s on the masthead.
–You might wanna check again.

And, my favorite. I think I remember writing a line similar to this in a third grade creative writing assignment. Although to be fair, it did win me three gold stars:

-I like standing next to you, Sean. Makes me look so tough.

Oh, and that’s all from one scene. Yep.

Film or Movie: Movie.

Popcorn Factor: Eh…the actual real-life story of Facebook is intriguing, and Jesse Eisenberg has some good lines, so maybe. If you’re a big David Fincher fan (Fight Club, Seven, Benjamin Button), you’ll probably get a kick out of the direction as well.

Buy It: Let’s not.

Rent It: Again, maybe if you’re a Fincher fan. Although he didn’t direct his actors very well. Or for a good laugh. We actually watched the whole thing because we were having so much fun not believing how the next stupid line kept topping the last stupid line.

‘At what stage of the process? Contemplative?’
Karl.

(So much sadness.)

Das Experiment

Director: Oliver Hirschbiegel

Starring: Christian Berkel, Moritz Bleibtreu

Genre: psychological thriller

Year: 2001

Running Time: about 2 hours.

Plot synopsis: Volunteers sign up to be guards and prisoners in a two-week simulated prison observed prison experiment, based on the famed Stanford Experiment.

Review: First things first. This is the German version. Also known as the original version. Also known as the good version. Please, for the love of everything that is good in this world, please do not watch Adrien Brody try too hard to win another Oscar so he can kiss Halle Berry again in the de-plotted American version.

Alright. Now that that’s out of the way. I loved this film. The subtle directing approaches and symbolic quiet scenes that you would not expect in this type of film, took it from being grit for grit’s sake, to being a true look at the human psyche and sociological reactions to authority, dehumanization, money, learned behaviors, and projected expectations. By the end of the film, there are so many different ideologies represented, that you’re not really sure who you should be rooting for. Yet somehow, you also care about the characters; so you land on someone to root for, and immediately question your own motives for doing so.

Brilliant film. What makes it all the more brilliant is doing research after you watch it. Because the little things you think might be stretching it to make the plot better, have actually happened in experiments over the last 50 years. Stunning, engaging, and thought-provoking.

Watch for:

• Christian Berkel stealing, yet again, every scene he is in. This guy is Germany’s Mark Strong or William Fichtner.
• getting involved in the film in a way you did expect.
• one of the best antagonist performances since ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’, by Justus Von Dohnanyi. And the director’s approach to humanizing him.

Film or Movie: Film.

Change the World Factor: Yep.

Buy It: Every day.

Rent It: This too.

‘Uh-oh. Forty.’
Karl.

(Christian Berkel being awesome. Ever notice how close actors have to be to each other? I would never be that close to someone in real life. Must be awkward.)

District 9

Director: Neil Blomkamp

Starring: Sharlto Copley, Jason Cope, John Sumner

Genre: Sci-fi, psychological thriller, political

Year: 2009

Running Time: about 2 hours.

Plot synopsis: A government worker finds himself forced to empathize with a group of aliens living on earth who have been quarantined and well…treated like illegal aliens.

Review: Nobody reads this site anyway, right? Good. Because I’m about to bash (in a nice way) a movie with a cult following so big that you wouldn’t call it ‘cult’ if this movie were in any other genre besides sci-fi, and that managed to garner positive reviews from over 90% of critics. And I’m hoping…just hoping…that that is because of the movie’s over-the-top effort to wack the audience in the face with the overt political message on immigration, illegal aliens, and South African apartheid. And I’m hoping that people are afraid to poorly review a movie that deals with those issues. But here’s the thing…you know almost the entire plot and message of this piece just after the preview. You know it’s about sociopolitical borders, both real and imagined. So I was really hoping, in the actual movie, to get something a lot more, and a lot deeper. But no. The preview was basically the movie. And if you’re going to push the agenda of awareness of the mistreatment of different ethnicities, can you please portray the different ethnicities as intelligent and personal beings? Mostly the Nigerian drug lords. That was pretty laughable. And if you’re trying to make the point that they just simply adapted to the environment we gave them as some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, then you need to actually make that point, instead of having us watch the characters run around collecting weapons and beating different levels. Seriously, it was like a video game…complete with the like, five different versions of military guys you have to shoot, and bosses at each level. We know what’s going to happen, so say something, move on, or at least give us a variety of ways to watch someone die…if that’s what you’re going for…instead of the same green screen shot of a guy flying backwards into some sort of scrap metal or being disintegrated with blood that just happens to splatter on the ‘documentary’ camera…every…single…time.

And yes, I’ve heard the argument that the director had no budget, and basically adapted his earlier short film into a full-length on the spot. And for that resourcefulness, I do applaud him. Doesn’t make it a good movie though…by any means. It was a video game that I didn’t have the luxury of being able to play, with a poorly constructed and thinly veiled political message slapping me in the face about as subtle as a punch from Mickey-the-one-punch-Pikey.

Watch for:

• the smartest little alien child ever.
• the attempt at humanizing aliens, while all the while dehumanizing Nigerian drug lords. Sure, there may be some nasty Nigerian drug lords, but come on now. At least give them a characteristic to play besides ‘I am evil.’ Or get different actors.
• the running out of sets. There are two sets on which four dramatic climaxes take place. Gets really boring. Like, wait, I thought I already saw this scene.
• the (Spolier!)…fact that it took the aliens 20 years to collect the right amount of fuel, and they just happened to finish that 20-year project on the same day they were being evicted and met our movie’s hero. The same 5-minute period, actually.
• the complete lack of any other emotion in the government officials besides, ‘I like weapons. Let’s kill aliens and people to get them.’ No conflict whatsoever. Just evil.
• the fact that every single person or alien has to gloat before they follow through with the kill. Come on, folks. Haven’t you ever seen a movie before? Don’t you know what happens when you gloat? You give your adversary that one extra second he needs! 😉
• decent effects, I must say. Just the fact that they used the same 3 decent effects over and over.
• Sharlto Copley as the nerdy government official, but then being completely built in scenes without his shirt. (Okay, I’m just jealous now.)

Film or Movie: Movie.

Popcorn Factor: Not for me. I kept reaching for the controller to control the video game, but it wouldn’t work.

Buy It: No.

Rent It: Oh no.

‘Great! Real bullets!’
Karl.

(Oh ya. And watch for that guy. Worst stereotypical ex-marine-now-navy-seal ever.)

Revolver

Director: Guy Ritchie

Starring: Jason Statham, Mark Strong, Ray Liotta

Genre: Psychological drama, awesome.

Year: 2005

Running Time: about 2 hours.

Plot synopsis: Jason Statham finds himself trapped in a masterful plot set up by his greatest enemy.

Review: Okay…this is the film for which I’m willing to stick my neck out and die for. Maybe…just maybe…the best film ever made. Alright, some of you just left the site after that. And I understand that this isn’t the most popular film ever; and I think a lot of that has to do with people thinking this was going to be Snatch 2. And it’s definitely not. It’s methodically paced, gorgeously shot, soaked in psychological symbolism, and might have one of the deepest scripts ever written. Not necessarily in a ‘Whoa! That was a crazy twist!’ way; but in the underlying themes and ideas this piece of art evokes. It really plays much more like a book, then a movie. I watched it for a second time just a few months ago, and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. If you take it for what it is, and not for what Guy Ritchie has done in the past, it really has the possibility to change your life.

Watch for:

• Mark Strong as the introverted hitman. One of the best actor’s I’ve ever seen, and one of the coolest characters written in a long time.
• someone actually giving Jason Statham a chance to show his acting chops, rather than just his jawline. Both of which I am very jealous of.
• Jason Statham with hair! (Man! I’m jealous of that, too.)
• Ritchie stepping out on some limbs artistically, to get some symbolism across.
• seeing how anime can be useful.
• an unfortunate performance by Andre Benjamin…like, the only bad thing about this film
• Ray Liotta turning in probably his best performance since Goodfellas.

Film or Movie: Film.

Change the World Factor: Alright, I’ve already given enough hyperbole about this film, but absolutely yes.

Buy It: Yes. Needs at least three or four watches I’m imagining, to pick up on everything going on underneath the surface.

Rent It: impossible. Only buy. 😉

‘I don’t know what to do with my hands.’
Karl.

(This man may be the most talented actor working in film today. He was brilliant in both this and Rocknrolla, and is now finally getting some well-deserved recognition after Body of Lies, Sherlock Holmes, and now the new Robin Hood. He’ll win an Oscar within the next couple years. Even though I think the Oscars nominees are chosen according to their individual Sunday night commercial demographic pull. 😉 )

The Men Who Stare at Goats

Director: Grant Heslov

Starring: Kevin Spacey, Jeff Bridges, George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Rebecca Mader, Stephen Root, Robert Patrick

Genre: Comedy, Indie, Off-Beat.

Year: 2009

Running Time: just a bit over an hour and a half

Plot synopsis: George Clooney and Jeff Bridges try to convince Ewan McGregor and themselves that they can create a new weapon for the armed forces…with their minds.

Review: Way off-beat, which means I loved it. Too indie to be accepted, and too quirky to be indie. This film followed its own path, and I thought it was hilarious and a joy to watch. Clooney is fantastic, and Jeff Bridges plays yet another character to perfection. And Spacey’s always good…can’t help that.

Watch for:

• Clooney’s face as he ‘cloudbursts.’ Classic.
• Jeff Bridges unintelligibly letting everyone know he’s going for ice cream.
• unfortunate special effects.
• the chance to see a T-1000, Charlotte from Lost, and Milton, all in the same film.

Film or Movie: Film.

Change the World Factor: No, but maybe a game-changer as far as movies and films go. Told its own story, and in the way it wanted to…regardless.

Buy It: Ya!

Rent It: only if you don’t take my advice and buy it. Buy it.

‘To die will be a great adventure.’
Karl.

(From The Dude, to Crazy Heart, to Obadiah Stane, Tron, and stuff-shirt psychologist in K-Pax…I think I’m the only person alive who actually liked that film…is there anything this guy can’t do? Well, besides pull off that shirt.)

Date Night

Director: Shawn Levy

Starring: Steve Carell, Tina Fey, Ray Liotta, Mark Whalberg, William Fichtner, Mark Ruffalo, Kristen Wiig, James Franco, Mila Kunis, Taraji P. Henson. Basically, if they’re an actor, they were in this movie.

Genre: Comedy.

Year: 2010

Running Time: hour and a half

Plot synopsis: Steve Carell and Tina Fey’s attempt at a date night as a middle-aged couple ends up to be much more like a movie then they originally intended. Hilarity ensues.

Review: A lot of fun. Sure, some dumb moments where they carry a mildly funny joke on a bit too long until it becomes a, well…not mildy funny joke anymore, but overall it has a lot of comical moments, some plain movie fun moments, and it’s always a good time watching Tina Fey and Steve Carell improvise.

Watch for:

• Mark Whalberg being able to make fun of himself. Very cool.
• James Franco. Yep. Just him. When he’s not trying to do dramatic work, I personally think he’s one of the funniest dudes on the planet.
• the cab driver character being a blatant rip-off of the car driver character from Speed.
• William Fichtner continuing his trend from Heat, Contact, Dark Knight, Blades of Glory, Equilibrium, etc., and stealing every scene he’s ever in.

Film or Movie: Movie.

Popcorn Factor: For sure. Very fun.

Buy It: Eh…

Rent It: Aye.

‘Look at me! Wrong!’
Karl.

(‘Your pecs make me want to kill myself.’ Best line of the movie. And yes, I am showing a shirtless pic of Mark Whalberg. I just wish I looked like that. Please don’t judge me.)

The Island of Dr. Moreau

Director: John Frankenheimer

Starring: Marlon Brando, Val Kilmer, David Thewlis, Ron Perlman

Genre: Psychological Thriller?

Year: 1996

Running Time: about 45 minutes……or, at least that’s all I made it through

Plot synopsis: Marlon Brando breeds a new species of half humans/half animals, but then thinks better of his decision to appear in this movie, and improvises hilarious lines that have nothing to do with whatever plot this movie tried to have.

Review: Wow. It’s rare that I turn a movie off. I mean, even if it’s bad, there’s colors moving on the screen, and I can always go buy more string cheese, right? I hate this movie because it made me a liar. Major spoiler alert, but I shut this movie off at about the 45 minute mark, after both Marlon Brando’s character and Val Kilmer’s character, were killed off. I mean, seriously! Watching those guys improvise lines and tongue-in-cheek make fun of the film is the only reason to watch it…and then they’re gone. Who kills off Val Kilmer and Marlon Brando, and then films 45 more minutes of mutant animal/humans running through jungles? Alright, David Thewlis was still in it, but he barely counts. One of those movies that defies the physical laws of the world we live in. As in, ‘How is this possibly on my screen right now.’

Watch for:

• Val Kilmer doing the best Marlon Brando impression I’ve ever heard.
• Brando being Brando. Nothing like it, even in a movie like this.
• the amount of time the camera spends on mutant animals (dudes in horrible costumes) running through the jungle. Just running. I think I lost count at about 7 hours.
• that’s actually it. Seriously. I know.

Film or Movie: Movie.

Popcorn Factor: Until (Spoilers!) Brando gets killed off.

Buy It: Yes. It is every person’s civic duty to own every Marlon Brando movie ever made. Don’t bother me with whether that is true or not. It makes me happy.

Rent It: No. Buy it. See above.

‘I don’t think they’d let someone like me carry a gun.’
Karl.

(No, no. This isn’t the ’60’s version. Those are the actual 1996 costumes.)

The Machinist

Director: Brad Anderson

Starring: Christian Bale (well, half of him), Jennifer Jason Leigh

Genre: Psychological Thriller, Drama, Plot

Year: 2004

Running Time: about an hour forty.

Plot synopsis: Christian Bale’s life slowly unravels as insomnia and an unknown presence haunts his mind.

Review: Incredible film, with an average ending. Christian Bale fully embodies this character, and we feel the struggle he is going through. Gorgeously and hauntingly shot, with a thought-provoking theme, and very well-placed symbolism. My only problem with it was that I thought it was revving up to deal with some really big issues. I felt like the framework was in place and everything. And then the ending felt almost as if the studio came in and said, ‘No, that’s too heavy. Try this ending.’ I have no proof of that, it’s just how it felt to me. Overall, very capturing film.

Watch for:

• well, Christian Bale just being amazing.
• the wonderful atmosphere in the film.
• John Sharian giving an annoying performance, trying to be Marlon Brando.
• more proof that there is no character Jennifer Jason Leigh can’t play.

Film or Movie: Film.

Change the World Factor: Almost.

Buy It: Maybe. If you dig beautiful film-making, it could be worth another watch. Or just for the bragging rights of being able to add the film with the most dangerous physical transformation by an actor on record, to your collection. 😉

Rent It: Definitely.

Final Word: I have a big boy crush on Christian Bale.

‘Please don’t call yourself that.’
Karl.

(One of the best-acted scenes in the film. You know the acting’s gotta be good if you can get a big boy crush on something that looks like that.)

Moon

Director: Duncan Jones

Starring: Sam Rockwell, Kevin Spacey (but not really)

Genre: Drama, Plot

Year: 2009

Running Time: little under an hour and a half.

Plot synopsis: Sam Rockwell finds out things about himself while harvesting energy alone on the far side of the moon.

Review: Very interesting film. Very intriguing basis for the plot, and it raises a lot of philosophical questions, and might even be worth a second watch for some of those questions to present themselves further. It’s definitely an ‘off-the-beaten-path’ film, which is refreshing. Well-shot and paced as well. Not thrilling, so don’t expect that. But great as a question-raising character study.

Watch for:

• an amazing performance from Sam Rockwell. Never thought much of this guy after seeing him as the ‘plucky comic relief’ in Galaxy Quest; but wow…after this and The Assassination of Jesse James, the guy can act.
• Verbal Kint’s voice with a Wal-Mart smiley face.
• models still trumping special effects.
• great cinematography and well-directed shots.

Film or Movie: Film.

Change the World Factor: Probably not, but this film has the chance to become more relevant with time.

Buy It: Ya. If you’re into films needing multiple watches.

Rent It: Sure. On a dramatic night, not a fun night.

‘Fools aren’t born; pretty girls make them in their spare time.’
Karl.

(Talk about great shots. Wow. It sounds really cheesey to say ‘talk about.’)

Planet of the Apes

Director: Tim Burton

Starring: Mark Whalberg, Helena Bonham Carter, Michael Clarke Duncan, Tim Roth, Estella Warren, Paul Giamatti

Genre: Action, Dumb.

Year: 2001

Running Time: more than 5 minutes, which was long enough.

Plot synopsis: Mark Whalberg’s monkey flies into a black hole, sending him to a random time in the universe. Because he loves his monkey so much, Mr. Whalberg flies into the same black hole, luckily ending up in the exact same place and time period as his monkey. However, as he finds out that monkeys are actually ruling the place he has ended up on, he struggles through the personal anguish of leading an uprising of humans against the monkeys he loves so much, trying to create a peace treaty, or flying back into the unpredictable black hole in hopes that it will take him back to his home.

Review: Absolutely atrocious. Meaning you could sit and watch it for days, and never get tired of it. The writing is so bad that it hurts…as in, your sides hurt from laughter. One of the few movies I’ve ever seen in the theatre where the audience started laughing during the dramatic moments. Helena Bonham Carter is wasted, as her usual quirky and yet still heartfelt performance is masked under layers upon layers of fake-looking makeup. The plot has so many holes that I cannot even begin to describe them. But here is one example: as they try to lead the monkeys into a trap on horseback, they wait until the last possible second to flee. It is at this moment, of course, that the cliche young boy says that he ‘can fight too!’ Now, not only do they not fill him in right then and there that fighting is not actually their plan, but they flee, leaving him there. When Mr. Whalberg realizes this, he goes back for the kid. But without his horse. I guess he can go faster that way? He gets the kid, and then outruns the monkeys…who also have horses. And yes, because I know you’re wondering, the two leads do fall for each other. And yes, the two leads are a human and a monkey.

Watch for:

• the number of times Mark Whalberg says, ‘How did these monkeys get like this.’
• the humans watching the monkeys survive a nuclear explosion, but then beating them with sticks.
• Tim Roth obviously misreading his script and thinking his character was to be played as a rabid Tom Cruise…if Tom Cruise were a monkey…and had rabies.
• Estella Warren managing to still turn in one of the worst acting performances in history, even with only two lines.
• and Paul Giamatti somehow getting away with selling the monkey children pharmaceuticals.

Film or Movie: hehe Movie.

Popcorn Factor: Not on purpose, but yes. Oh yes.

Buy It: Oh please no.

Rent It: Definite candidate for a bad movie marathon.

‘That’s very effective, Tony. Not too subtle, but effective.’
Karl.

(There it is. Tom Cruise with rabies.)

(And because I just can’t seem to help myself.)